It is a very sad moment when a viewer realizes he is trapped in a bad film. A moment when all the inane writing and poor casting choices hit him like a tidal wave, and the viewer realizes he's thrown away ten dollars and two hours. He can always work for more money. He can never get back the time.

I can recall the exact point in "Twilight" when I experienced this unique phenomenon. A few minutes after the dull opening monologue, Bella (the female lead, played by Kristen Stewart) meets her astoundingly stereotypical high school friends for lunch. In under 45 seconds, she gets hit on by every male at the table. After about a minute, the camera shifts from their painfully unfunny conversation to the oddly slow, dramatic entrance of five overdressed students. They are, of course, assumed to be significant due to their faux-rebellious attitudes, paleness, and higher wardrobe budget. Bella's two friends shift into full expository mode, giving every background detail about "the Cullens" possible without jumping on the table, pointing, and screaming "they're vampires". At the end of this chain of poor dialogue, the trio proceeds to drool over the male lead. Less than fifteen minutes into the film, I lost all hope.

In case there's any remaining ambiguity, "Twilight" is not a good film. Nor is it a mediocre film. It is a mind-bogglingly bad film.

For those who've been living in a cave (or in an idyllic bubble free of obsessive fans), "Twilight" is a film adaptation of the first entry in Stephenie Meyer's series of pandering vampire romance novels. The Twilight franchise has a fan base large enough to rival the Roman army at its height (and willing to fight twice as furiously, if online groups are any indication). The core conflict in this film is the angst-overdosed relationship between the vampire, Edward(Robert Pattinson) and the human, Bella. Bella is attractive to everyone with a Y chromosome (for no sufficiently explained reason), and her blood is apparently more valuable than the hundreds of other perfectly viable prey in town. Her gold-standard blood leads to the attentions of a ruthless "tracker" vampire, with the supernatural power to spread bad acting among teenage casts.

There is no logical transition between the core couple being strangers and infatuated with each other. I'm not a relationship counselor, but if your biology lab partner stares and quivers uncontrollably in your presence, and then appears in your room in the middle of the night, he's probably not your "one true love". It's far more likely that he's a dangerous stalker, and that you should consider investing in a security system.

I'm surprised that there hasn't been a larger feminist outcry against this franchise. Bella's love for Edward jumps energetically over the line between romance and slavish devotion. She's perfectly willing to throw away every aspect of her life in a moment to be with the undead Edward. In fact, one could say that she's far more like a traditional vampire's mind-controlled bride than she thinks. To be honest, I don't give Stephenie Meyer enough credit to come up with that kind of clever subversion.

Of course, no film is completely devoid of redeeming qualities. Twilight is an unintentional hilarity. Apparently, vampires sparkle in the sunlight. If a child claims to have played with glitter during art class, don't believe him. He is a glittery spawn of the devil. This tidbit of information is delivered in one of the most hilariously overacted speeches Ive seen in my short life. The conflicted Edward describes himself as the "ultimate predator" in an attempt to warn his paramour that it may be mildly dangerous to flirt with a blood-sucking monster. Bella comforts him by telling him it's okay that he feels a constant desire to rip her to shredsbecause he's pretty. Lovely moral for the relatively young fan base. Potentially abusive relationships are apparently fine as long the abuser is attractive enough.

Melodramatic, overblown acting would have been painful. "Twilight" goes to the opposite extreme: the actors portraying Edward and Bella seem to be in a constant state of confusion. They resemble deer in headlights more often than not. The most convincing portrayal of the undead in this film is the lead actress' constant imitation of a zombie.

"Twilight" is both a symptom and major contributor of the 21st-century decay of the vampire in American cinema: a trend that began with the "Underworld series", continued with "Van Helsing", and culminates in this drek. I'd dare to say that this is the outer limit of how far this monster's iconic status could fall if it weren't for my faith in Hollywood's reliable ability to fail in new and exciting ways.

"Twilight" is a film that somehow manages to tie together the worst elements of multiple genres. The poor characterization of a trite melodrama, the pandering and archaic themes of a stereotypical romance film, the corny humor and social stereotypes of a failed comedy, and the low-quality special effects and thin plotting of a mindless action film. "Twilight" does not fail in a single area: it fails on all fronts. It is a case study in how not to make a movie that should be used in any film school of note for generations to come.