I'm back again, with more insights about the future as perceived through a cheap fifteen dollar snowglobe.

I'll get off my astoundingly lazy rear end and commence a regular update schedule. From now on, expect a new update every Sunday. I choose to work Sunday because here at Monkeys with Typewriters, blasphemy is our bread and butter.

Marvel will eventually cut out the middleman and announce the new "Wolverine flexes in front of a mirror" miniseries. Each issue shall claim a top 10 position in sales.

People will continue to try to drum up conversations about reality television with me, and I will continue to not care.

The fourth World War shall be sparked by a debate by two world leaders over the quality of their equally shoddy gaming consoles. Fortunately, this war will take place entirely within Unreal Tournament 2025.

Your spouse will cheat on you for fifteen dollars, a stick of gum, and a copy of "Soul Plane" on DVD.

Pixar shall craft a hit animated film about a homeless man's hallucinatory adventures within a trash can. By the end, he learns the value of friendship. All his friends are imaginary, but it's a nice lesson.

The hardest difficulty setting on Ninja Gaiden 3 will literally detonate the controller.

During the December rush, a man will assault a teenager over the last copy of GTA IV. After getting one star from this, he will proceed to execute all nearby witnesses with a rocket launcher pulled out from thin air. The violence will escalate until the man is taken down by SWAT.

Your luck is invincible. Betting large sums of money in mafia-owned casinos can only end in overwhelming success.

The Chinese hosts will add "Dissident execution", "Speed Censorship", and "Monk Punting" to the Olympic proceedings. They will also take the gold in all three.

A 12-step program for quitting World of Warcraft will lure in participants by offering "epic loot".

The author of this piece will be beaten into a coma by a real monkey wielding a typewriter. Damn.

Handsome, intelligent readers will send questions to the upcoming MWT advice column at ringcolumn@yahoo.com. At least, they shall if they know what's good for them.