The owners of the ivory tower I study at were taking scripts for an freshman orientation video. The following was my insane submission, and was rejected at the speed of sound.
EXT GENERIC STUDY ROOM
Four students sit quietly. ALPHA reads, BETA writes, GAMMA drums his fingers, and Delta is sleeping loudly. The calm shot holds for a few seconds until MR. PRINCETON flips the table and walks onscreen. The fourth (Delta) remains sleeping.
MR. PRINCETON
Ah! You must be the new freshmen!
ALPHA
How do you know?
MR. PRINCETON
I can smell fear.
BETA
Right…I think I’m going to get out of here. Go to a room with a bit less crazy.
MR. PRINCETON
Don’t bother! I’ve already locked all the doors. Yelling won’t help either, no one will hear you.
GAMMA
I’m scared…
MR. PRINCETON
Don’t be! You’re about to start your adventure in higher education!
ALPHA
“Education”? I was told there would be nothing but keg stands and pep rallies! College Board sold me a bill of goods!
BETA
I think you should be a bit more worried about being stuck in a room with a psycho.
MR. PRINCETON
Psycho is such a strong word. I prefer to think I’m full of school spirit!
BETA
“School Spirit?” Is that what they’re calling angel dust now?
MR. PRINCETON
No, that’s the feeling of going to the best school in the country!
ALPHA
Yale?
MR. PRINCETON gives ALPHA an open-palmed slap across the face. ALPHA falls to the ground, and remains still for the rest of the video.
BETA
Is he okay?
MR. PRINCETON
You betcha! Because he’s a student here at Princeton!
GAMMA
There’s no cell reception in here. I can’t get the cops.
MR. PRINCETON
I had the room lined with lead. I’m filling someone with school spirit today. It’s your choice whether you’re alive or dead at the end of this process. Now, who can tell me the Princeton motto?
BETA
Princeton, we own the world?
GAMMA
Princeton, beaten up in high school?
MR. PRINCETON
Close, try again.
BETA
Princeton, more money than God?
GAMMA
Princeton, mwahahahaha?
MR. PRINCETON
Technically correct. Try Princeton in the nation’s service and in the service of all nations.
BETA
I was close.
MR. PRINCETON
Did you just contradict me?
BETA
No I-
MR. PRINCETON repeats the open palmed slap, leaving BETA on the floor in a similar motionless pose.
GAMMA
Oh God.
MR. PRINCETON
Try not to say that, the Anscombe society might hear you.
GAMMA (Stuttering)
S-so you were saying about school spirit? Why is i-it important?
MR. PRINCETON
Well, that’s a bit of a loaded question. You see, there’s the metaphorical school spirit I’m trying to instill in you, and me, the literal school spirit. You can call me Mr. Princeton.
GAMMA
You’re a ghost?
MR. PRINCETON
Lich would be more accurate.
GAMMA
What?
MR. PRINCETON (annoyed)
Read a book.
GAMMA
S-sorry.
MR. PRINCETON
I think all you need is some exposure to a little Princeton history.
GAMMA meekly nods, while MR. PRINCETON pulls an oversized book off the shelf. A Freemason symbol is openly displayed on the cover. As he opens the book, a stock choir sound effect plays. At this moment, DELTA stirs, and looks around the room with a look of confusion.
DELTA
What the f-
MR. PRINCETON
What can you tell me about Princeton’s founding?
DELTA (Still groggy)
Rich people were involved?
GAMMA
It was the fourth American College. Wikipedia said it had something to do with the Great Awakening, I skimmed it.
MR. PRINCETON
Both correct, as far as the public is concerned. But there’s a deeper layer.
DELTA (looking at BETA and ALPHA)
Are these guys okay?
MR. PRINCETON (ignoring)
Sit down for this one, it’s an epic. The War of Austrian Succession forced the Illuminati to find a new headquarters. As they fled Europe, the abundance of natural resources and gullible zealots in the Colonies made them an ideal location. Thusly, Princeton was founded as a control center and training hub for Illuminati members.
GAMMA
…Crazy or not, that is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.
DELTA
…am I still asleep?
MR. PRINCETON glares and raises his open palm again, prepared to repeat the strike. His expression then changes to one of sudden insight.
MR. PRINCETON (To Self)
Wait…you’re thinking. That’s a sign of a true Princeton student. I see my work here is done.
GAMMA
Can we go home?
DELTA, GAMMA, and MR. PRINCETON share an Eighties style group laugh, which abruptly ends as MR. PRINCETON’s expression changes to a stern glare.
MR. PRINCETON
No.
ROLL CREDITS
