All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power, and not truth.

Those are the words of Philosoraptor, who is, from what I can tell, the wisest mind on the Internet. Granted, that isn’t saying much, but I think he may be onto something.

The way we interpret things often sets up how history sees them. Now, what irks me is the fact that people tend to jump to the simplest interpretation when a question is asked of them, especially in fiction (my medium). I’ve been disappointed by people before, and this is nothing new, so I have resolved not to disappoint all of you. Actually, that’s not something that I can guarantee, but in an act of uncharacteristic humility, I will throw myself upon your mercy and beg that you be impressed with a list of interpretations that I have compiled.

Wow. I actually started to believe myself there. God I’m good. Here’s some stuff that will blow your minds, assholes. Don’t be surprised if these “interpretations” quickly turn into insane and paranoid theories. That’s just the hallucinogens I hacked your computer into secreting.

-Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Little Shop of Horrors is not at all about a killer plant, but delusional serial killer named Seymour Krelborn. Thinking that he was feeding a plant that would kill him if he didn’t, he claimed at least three if not more victims and ate them, bones and all. There was a plant, but it was a lily that looked only vaguely like a maw.

-Fist of the North Star was a documentary about life in Nevada. It was filmed using hidden cameras and then rotoscoped. Realizing that this violated several laws and even more basic ethics, it was written off as an anime. A manga was written and released well before the animation to make the entire fiasco look inconspicuous.

-A real man named Howard Roark wrote The Fountainhead. Realizing that he had created a false autobiography and one of modern literature’s first Mary Sues, he used the pen name Ayn Rand. The character Howard Roark was still a Mary Sue, except this time, he seemed a touch less ridiculous. Still pretty ridiculous.

-God exists and the atheists are his chosen people. He is also a fairly successful troll.

-World War One started not because of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, as everyone thinks, but a bet between the leaders of the Triple Alliance and the Triple Entente: a competition to see which side could kill more people. The loser had to pay for it. This bet never left the room it was conceived within.

-Hipster culture came about as an irony in and of itself. Things got out of hand as soon as Pitchfork and Starbucks made it big. Those who were in on the joke naturally assumed that this was all part of the plan and kept on keeping on. Now, the blogosphere is crowded with idiots who refuse to admit that they aren’t smart enough to understand the joke that they created.

-Heath Ledger is not dead. He was just driven insane. A few years from now, in Camden, New Jersey, a madman dressed like a deranged Hollywood producer will take charge of the underworld and dub himself the Fat Cat. To bring him down, New York’s finest (because at that point, Camden’s police will have come to the Fat Cat’s way of thinking and joined him) must sacrifice all their principles and surrender their souls to the darkness. But in doing so, the Fat Cat will have won.

-4chan is a brilliant, inspired, and intelligent cross section of simian culture.

-Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work. Real bullets don’t work.

-When I wake up, all of you will fade away like any old dream until I don’t even remember that you were ever even there.

-The GOP doesn’t actually exist. It’s all a ruse created a hundred and fifty years ago by the democrats to teach the people a lesson about responsible voting. At the end of Obama’s second term, all the politicians in Washington will come out onto a stage and sing a preachy song about how you’re all greedy bastards and are going to a special hell for it.

-The Green Lantern Corps exists and is at this moment sending me a ring. A man can dream, damnit.

-Avatar: the Last Airbender was created as Michael Dante DiMartino’s response to Yu Gi Oh’s insane popularity in the states among preteens. Thinking, “I could make a better anime than that,” he drew a doodle of a kid with an arrow on his head and the rest is history. And by history, I mean oodles of fangirls squealing over a fictional character with a horrible deformity on the left side of his face. Why doesn’t Harvey Dent get this much attention?

As I said, all things are subject to interpretation. Or, if you prefer, wild theories. It just depends on your interpretation...and recursion.

5/19/2010
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