The old jokes have grown stale. Similar sites switch layouts, some kids put a bucket on a door, two people claim to love each other and get married, etcetera. It's time for some fresh blood. I for one would like to see:

All Google links lead to an image of an emaciated child staring into the camera.

Richard Dawkins reveal his status as an Anglican bishop.

Israel ceded to Buddhists.

Every felony trial of the day settled by coin flip.

Scott Pilgrim ending with the titular character savagely beaten by Gideon, alone, and browsing Pitchfork.

Fully functional Windows software.

An exceptionally tall Chinese diplomat dangle a Tibetan Constitution over the Dalai Lama’s head.

Sarah Palin’s career unveiled as an elaborate experiment in public stupidity.

Unlocked tiger cages at the Zoo. I’m a simple soul.

Marvel reveal every crossover of the decade as an elaborate joke.

The relocation of the holiday to coincide with Valentine’s day.

Strapping Young Lad reunite as a easy listening band.

A Danish film consisting entirely of Mohammed reading The Satanic Verses in a ham packaging factory.

Trading Card booster packs that come with photos of attractive couples running through assorted meadows.

Iron Man 2 consist entirely of sock puppets.

The carpet bombing of a city randomly selected from a Global Atlas.

A Dominic Deegan comic that doesn’t suck like a black hole.

A collaborative project between Lars von Trier and Michael Bay.

Heineken-sponsored Alcoholics Anonymous groups.

Every nuke-wielding nation release several dozens of rockets filled with confetti.

Bram Stoker defeat the Grim Reaper in a game of chance, claw his way through the thick soil, drag his calcified corpse across the Atlantic Ocean, march through the highways of America, and punch Stephanie Meyer directly in the solar plexus.

3/31/2010