The W. Hearst Journal

When Donald Briggs walked into the office Monday morning, something was different.

“At first I thought he might have changed his haircut.” said Lorane Mason, department manager and closet alcoholic. “Then I realized that his eyes were glowing, and two little golden balls of light were orbiting around his head.” Other commentators in the office also reported hearing the soaring voices of a thousand bluebirds singing ‘Ode to Joy’.

“I thought I’d fallen off the wagon again.” said the manager, wiping a single tear from her right cheek. “But then I saw the others react, and I knew. He definitely must have changed his haircut.”

The significantly less retarded staff soon discerned the truth: the low level accountant had achieved Enlightenment.

“The first clue was when he fixed the coffee machine by humming softly and waving his hand.” commented coworker John Maroni. “Oh, and when I asked him if he saw the game last night, he said the only game he watches now is the one between the sun and sky. I must have missed that one while I was watching the Jets.”

Donald then proceeded to complete three months worth of paperwork in minutes by inscribing the symbol for Zen in the header of an Excel document. A promotion swiftly followed. A coworker’s attempt to mimic his method led to immediate dismissal.

Curiosity quickly gripped the office. “I had to know how he did it.” commented John, leaning uncomfortably close to the reporter. “The power had to be mine. MINE.” he said, shifting his posture to a position that would have been reminiscent of Gollum, if Gollum had severe scoliosis and mild acne.

Donald soon shared his secret: a crumpled napkin with a visible ketchup stain. “There were nonbelievers at first.” said the smug sage as the intrepid MWT reporter doodled spirals in his journalistic notepad. “But then I unfolded it –with telekinesis of course- and showed them the writing on the back.” At this point, the MWT reporter nodded politely and moved on to drawing cartoon cows having sex.

The reaction in the room was instantaneous. Vague eyewitness sources indicate that Donald was immediately charged by a dozen of his fellow accountants. John Maroni in particular is noted to have brandished an oversized novelty calculator.

“It was relatively amusing to watch.” said Donald with a chuckle. “Of course, I easily repelled them with my new-found psychic might, but it was certainly an interesting moment.” Our reporter then finished adding a “Snidely Whiplash” mustache to a caricature of the newly enlightened Donald.

“I barely got to tell them where I found the sacred object before they jumped me. It was stuck to some gum on the counter of the Facestuffer Cafe. There’s a ketchup stain on the sentence about meditation, but that’s relatively self-explanatory.”

Business at the Facestuffer Cafe has quadrupled since Donald’s ascension. Diner management has searched for the creator of the napkin among it’s shiftless waiters and cooks, but thus far no one has come forward. Locals suspect Angie “Angel” Harkins, who earned her nickname with the small ring of light hovering around her head. She could not be reached for comment.

“To think, thousands of years wasted on philosophical debate and passive meditation. Turns out all we needed was a jumbo breakfast platter.”

Donald is expecting to release the coveted secret of the napkin as a self-help book within the next two months.

2/16/2010
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