Today's article comes from friend and suspected insurgent James Bizzarro. It was originally pitched to the Wesleyan Argus, but contained insufficient references to ironic hipster music.

The student with different opinions was found hiding in the second room of a two room double in Nics 7 early Sunday morning. At the time of his discovery Nikolai Yurchick ’12 was found huddled on a bean bag chair in the corner of a darkened room, hair unkempt long and black, and sporting grizzled dark facial hair. As the shades were drawn and the lights were off, the only illumination in the room rose up from the LED screen of Nikolai’s Nintendo DS.

“As I approached him, I heard the familiar Pokemon battle music eminating from the DS,” began Ray Odernio ’10 “When I seized the electronics, I noticed he had a Tentacruel, which he vehemently defended, noting its above average Special Attack and excellent Speed. While wondering how anyone would enjoy playing with such an irksome Pokemon, I knew that Thomas Krit’s tip was correct: this was the kid with different opinions we were looking for.”

Yurchick had been previously caught and brought before the Student Judiciary Board for three registered counts of singular belief, with reason to believe the statement of numerous undocumented opinions. On Sunday evening, Public Safety issued a statement urging all students to report any idiosyncratic activity on Campus.

“I’m leery of all the seemingly mindless celebration surrounding the healthcare bill,” yelped Yurchick as he was dragged outside with Adwar Chalabi ’12, the student who was fostering Nikolai in his dorm. “The bill Obama signed is sweepingly large, pushing government into too large of a role in an independent sector. It could lead to infringement of personal liberties in further reforms. Oh, and Obama’s trying to regulate internet usage.”

Adwar Chalabi ’12 had this to say: “I fostered him because Wesleyan is supposed to be a campus based in characteristic and unique people. I simply did what any self-respecting student here would do: stood up for free exchange of ideas.”

“Wesleyan is a campus built on diversity,” responded a member of Wesleyan admissions, “I mean look,” she said, gesturing to two maps, a US and global one, with pushpins stuck in various countries and cities. “And look here,” she continued, pulling out a pack of Crayola Multicultural Crayons, with one of the 8 skin-toned crayons noticeably missing, “We pride ourselves on the campus’ diversity. We also have to temper this with providing a safe, nurturing, fostering environment for our students. Overexposure to the peculiar can overstimulate the maturing adult, leading to questions.”

“I remember Nikolai,” voiced Amanda Morenberg ’13 “he was in my government class and we’d have reached an agreement with 15 minutes left in class, and he’d just keep asking stuff. The professor would’ve totally let us leave early. So annoying.”

The Wesleyan bells tolled the school fight song to alert the campus of the end of the search and to issue a call to arms. Mr. Yurchick and Chalabi then had black sacks stuffed on their heads and were dragged out to Foss Hill where they proceeded to get stoned. The bodies were then unceremoniously dumped onto Route 66 where a large Frito Lay truck made them unidentifiable and birds probably pooed on them.

4/1/2010
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