Hypercorp's 2009 School Catalogue

Hypercorp's 2009 School Catalogue By Hyperion
Self-esteem Suppressant Sometimes outmoded feelings of identity and independence hamper the social interactions key to your relationship with your peers within and beyond the academic world. As always, Hypercorp is here to help. Our patented Self-Esteem Suppressant will grind all pride within you into the finest dust, until you’re as malleable as an amnesiac toddler. Remember, the sweetest honey is found within the hive mind. Regular: $40 Double-strength: $60 Thoughtshredder: $85 School Shooting Survival Kit If there’s anything that rampant media paranoia has taught us, it’s that children that refuse to get in line and take self-esteem suppressant could snap any minute. In such a dangerous world, not owning the Hypercorp School Shooting Survival Kit is equivalent to suicide. Why haven’t you bought this for your children? Do you want them to die alone in a dingy bathroom stall, clutching their wounds and cursing the parents that couldn’t appreciate Hypercorp’s bargain prices? Shame on you. The blood of children is on your hands. Core kit: $300 Non-Styrofoam body-armor: $345 Bonus Office Conversion Pack: $450 Ballistic Bully Defense Pack Different? Tired of being pushed around? Full of anger and lacking guidance? The Ballistic Bully Defense Pack is made for you. Our unique system of lead-based human repellant has demonstrated a hundred-percent success rate in removing belligerent obstacles. Permanently. Guaranteed to tear through the School Shooting Survival Kit like tissue paper. Core Package: $50 Unmedicated Edition: $75 Note: Hypercorp is not responsible if the customer base decides to show them, show them ALL. Please direct all complaints to a qualified grief counselor. How to Manipulate Friends and Dominate People Famed writer Johann V. Spite brings the youth of today an honest, modern guide to a harsh world. Excerpt: Look at the dung-flinging monkeys around you, and know the true meaning of contempt. They are nothing: cosmic dust floating through space on a rotting sphere. You might as well exploit them before their dim light is extinguished by the uncaring hand of time. What holds you back? Community? Morals? God? These concepts are outmoded trash meant to protect the flock from you, the wolf. Tear down these thin barriers, and seize the world in the palm of your hand. Plain Edition: $7 Machiavellian:$11 Overlord: $66 Promiscuity Rings The celibacy-promoting “promise rings” have been abysmal failures. Even the Hypercorp-brand “Mutilator” promise ring (which surgically removed the customer’s reproductive organs in their sleep) has failed to suppress the impulses of youth. Because our researchers know which way the wind blows, and our directors are always willing to sell their principles for a paycheck, we’re taking a brand new approach to the “thin imitation of wedding rings” market: the Promiscuity Ring. As delightfully simple- minded cretins unable to derive obvious meaning from unsubtle wording, you may wonder what a Promiscuity Ring does. The answer is even simple by your standards. The promiscuity ring commits the wearer to a lifetime of one-night stands, broken relationships, and STD tests. The Promiscuity Ring is the emblem of a new generation. How many relationships could have been saved if the upcoming father-issue rooted infidelity had been presented from the beginning? According to our research department, seven. But one of those might be your own. Single Ring: $150 Self-esteem Suppressant Combo Pack: $200

By Hyperion

Self-esteem Suppressant

Sometimes outmoded feelings of identity and independence hamper the social interactions key to your relationship with your peers within and beyond the academic world. As always, Hypercorp is here to help. Our patented Self-Esteem Suppressant will grind all pride within you into the finest dust, until you’re as malleable as an amnesiac toddler.

Remember, the sweetest honey is found within the hive mind.

Regular: $40
Double-strength: $60
Thoughtshredder: $85

School Shooting Survival Kit

If there’s anything that rampant media paranoia has taught us, it’s that children that refuse to get in line and take self-esteem suppressant could snap any minute. In such a dangerous world, not owning the Hypercorp School Shooting Survival Kit is equivalent to suicide.

Why haven’t you bought this for your children? Do you want them to die alone in a dingy bathroom stall, clutching their wounds and cursing the parents that couldn’t appreciate Hypercorp’s bargain prices? Shame on you. The blood of children is on your hands.

Core kit: $300
Non-Styrofoam body-armor: $345
Bonus Office Conversion Pack: $450

Ballistic Bully Defense Pack

Different? Tired of being pushed around? Full of anger and lacking guidance? The Ballistic Bully Defense Pack is made for you.

Our unique system of lead-based human repellant has demonstrated a hundred-percent success rate in removing belligerent obstacles. Permanently.

Guaranteed to tear through the School Shooting Survival Kit like tissue paper.

Core Package: $50
Unmedicated Edition: $75

Note: Hypercorp is not responsible if the customer base decides to show them, show them ALL. Please direct all complaints to a qualified grief counselor.

How to Manipulate Friends and Dominate People

Famed writer Johann V. Spite brings the youth of today an honest, modern guide to a harsh world.

Excerpt:
Look at the dung-flinging monkeys around you, and know the true meaning of contempt. They are nothing: cosmic dust floating through space on a rotting sphere. You might as well exploit them before their dim light is extinguished by the uncaring hand of time.

What holds you back? Community? Morals? God? These concepts are outmoded trash meant to protect the flock from you, the wolf. Tear down these thin barriers, and seize the world in the palm of your hand.

Plain Edition: $7
Machiavellian:$11
Overlord: $66

Promiscuity Rings

The celibacy-promoting “promise rings” have been abysmal failures. Even the Hypercorp-brand “Mutilator” promise ring (which surgically removed the customer’s reproductive organs in their sleep) has failed to suppress the impulses of youth. Because our researchers know which way the wind blows, and our directors are always willing to sell their principles for a paycheck, we’re taking a brand new approach to the “thin imitation of wedding rings” market: the Promiscuity Ring.

As delightfully simple- minded cretins unable to derive obvious meaning from unsubtle wording, you may wonder what a Promiscuity Ring does. The answer is even simple by your standards. The promiscuity ring commits the wearer to a lifetime of one-night stands, broken relationships, and STD tests.

The Promiscuity Ring is the emblem of a new generation. How many relationships could have been saved if the upcoming father-issue rooted infidelity had been presented from the beginning? According to our research department, seven. But one of those might be your own.

Single Ring: $150
Self-esteem Suppressant Combo Pack: $200

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