Black will become the new black.

Irony-obsessed terrorists will reveal Purell as a biological weapon.

A pro-life political lobby will launch a campaign to unite every unused sperm and egg on the planet.

The United Association of Union-busters will suffer from internal conflict.

Heads will roll if you don’t get that report done.

Things in the Middle East will be just fine. For the cockroaches.

Cosmic forces will hire a pool boy for the gene pool.

A looped recording of record executives laughing will top sales charts for eight weeks.

The hundredth anniversary Lovecraft Omnibus will come with free antidepressants.

The Juggernaut will be stopped by a loose banana.

The entirety Darfur conflict will be revealed as an elaborate set-up for the birthday party for the president of Amnesty International.

All future references to “The Game” will lead to a minimum sentence of five years.

Archeologists will uncover the fossilized remains of the Democratic Party’s testicles.

A remake of Twilight will consist entirely of sock puppets kissing.

The official logo of the Department of Homeland Security will be changed to a drawing of a dog chasing its own tail.

A desperate committee on the obesity epidemic will resort to lacing your state’s water supply with laxatives.

The military “MurderDrone” android prototype will fall in love. With murder.

The most popular television program of the 2010’s will follow the wacky jailhouse adventures of an animated Charles Manson.

A man will look into the abyss, and find candy inside.

The future will be dedicated to the pursuit of a brighter future.