It's that time again. Open wide and get ready to be force fed a piping hot spoonful of the future! Mobs bearing pitchforks and torches need not apply.

Ronald Reagan will return as a card-carrying member of the communist party.

"The Optimist's Guide to Global Thermonuclear Devastation" will become the largest, and last, New York Times Bestseller.

The comic book film trend will end with "The Sandman: On Ice" and the ensuing riots.

Despite all the wailing and gnashing of teeth, all of you will inevitably forget Michael Jackson. And I will laugh.

Scientists will conclude that a man is, in fact, a miserable pile of secrets. Dracula will be awarded the Nobel Prize in Biology.

J.K. Rowling will sue Scholastic Publishing, Raincoast Books, and Bloomsbury Publishing for the obvious and brazen choice of grafting fanfiction onto the end of her final Potter novel.

Rioting will be officially recognized as a spectator sport, and become a favorite of the summer Olympics.

The Secret Order of Cinematic Guardians shall secretly and silently dispose of Michael Bay. Surprisingly, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg will be let off with warnings.

The cure for cancer will not be withheld out of greed, but rather, out of spite. Millions will perish because one bitter M.D couldn’t get a date in high school.

Your death will not be brief, painless, or dignified. It will, however, be seen live on national television.

The inevitable decriminalization of marijuana will lead to it becoming "too mainstream" for the vital slacker hipster market, who were into it "before it was cool". Their dissent will largely be ignored as THC vending machines spread throughout the nation's supermarkets.

Media watchdogs will be at a loss for words upon the release of "Kicks of Thunder: Tony Jaa vs. the Disabled". The sequel will go largely unnoticed.

Media watchdogs will have to invent new words to describe upcoming Hallmark feature film "Hellen Keller: Visionary".

Media watchdogs will, to the relief of independently thinking viewers worldwide, commit mass suicide when Tarantino directs a first-person recreation of the lifetime of Genghis Kahn.

The repressive nature of the future worldwide tyrant Lord Dominex will be ignored in favor of his surprising efficiency.

The Twilight fanbase will be informally recognized as a breed of subhuman by 2010.