A stage rendition of “It’s a Wonderful Life” will end in the public suicide of the lead actor.

Wacky hijinks will become punishable by stoning under Sharia law.

It wouldn’t be a bad idea to carry a floatation vest around from now on.

The butler will sue the private eye for profiling.

An inverse relationship will be found between sight, hearing, speech, and pinball skill.

Despair will become acceptable currency is Russia. Overproduction will swiftly deflate its value into nothing.

Chocolate will be declared as a valid medical prescription treatment for existential crises.

The 00’s will be remembered as the decade of the cowering failures.

The first fully sentient Artificial Intelligence will have a slacker personality.

The acolytes of skub shall wipe out the anti-skub heathens.

Criticism of low self-esteem will be recognized as the second greatest cause of low self-esteem, behind being a worthless waste of space.

There is no plan B.

An army of laid-off Cold War era atomic super-soldiers will enter the workforce as unskilled laborers. And the occasional super-powered drug dealer.

Seth Mcfarlane will introduce a tv program featuring a dim-witted father, disproportionately attractive mother, misfit child, and talking spoon.

A web-based humorist will slide one step closer to dementia.

Every dispute in Middle Eastern politics shall be settled by a single grandiose martial arts tournament.

Funerals for Valentine’s Day suicides will prove more lucrative for flower shops then Valentine’s day itself.

A leprechaun will lose his gold through a tax evasion case.

English literature will become the most lucrative and industry-demanded of all college majors.

A villainous scheme shall be thwarted by five wisecracking teens, their talking animal, and a squad of Marine Corps snipers.

Jeff Dunham will be put on trial before the World Court for crimes against comedy.

To better reflect modern values, the hare will lap the tortoise seven times, win the race, get seven corporate sponsors, and steal the tortoise’s wife.

A flame war will end in respectful acknowledgement of differing opinions.

There shall be enlightenment. All shall be one in unity and understanding. Peace shall reign. Then you’ll wake up.

The sale of ironic t-shirts will replace automobiles as the backbone of the US economy.

Steroid use will become its own competitive sport.

A planet-annihilating meteorite will miss the Earth and destroy a much less deserving planet.

An amateur songwriter will rhyme a word with itself, then complain about the lack of talent in the music industry.

Español será lingua primera de los Estados Unidos.

The second-to-last of the Mohicans shall remain ignored.

The 234th video game to feature a generic space marine will be a complex analysis of the human condition. With naked aliens.

The 90’s interpretation of the 60’s will itself become retro in the 2020’s. In the 2050’s, this will become recursive.

Collectible trading cards will replace cigarettes in America’s nerdiest prison.

The preserved corpse of Warren G. Harding will become Secretary General of the United Nations. The actual effectiveness of the organization will improve.

A board game modeling supply and demand for children will sell like a stone.

The prequel will outsell the sequel, appeasing fans of the remake and disappointing advocates of the third novelization, while regurgitating the premise of the original.

Old dissidents will execute new dissidents for dissidence.