The Overlooked Prayers Department

The Overlooked Prayers Department By Hyperion
Dear Most Beneficient One, I shall skip the formalities, and stick to the barest greeting: all hail the lord of light who watches over us with a soothing eye and cozy iron fist. May the nonbelievers reach for his forgiving hand before it crushes them. There. On to business. This month, we experienced an abnormally high rate of desperate and/or self-centered prayers from Earth-303. Referring to it as a wretched hive of scum and villainy would be generous, but evidently a high number of faithful individuals remain. Though these monkeys are your favorite playthings and prime test subjects for new miseries, I’m forwarding the prayers on the off chance that you’re in a good mood. Personally, I recommend we get the apocalypse going and wash our hands of the whole thing. Sincerely, Azalien, Vice-Archangel of Prayer Response P.S: A formal statement on which faction contains you “chosen people” is long overdue. Dear God… Oh holy father, this is my hour of direst need. My son’s recital is in an hour, and I cannot find my car keys. Guide me to the holy key to the gates of my Honda Civic. -Pastor Milton Another three inches is all I ask. Hell, I’d be satisfied with two. One’s as low as I go. -Jack Napoleon Jones I just found out about this Kurt Cobain guy. Pretty sweet stuff. You should totally let him make a comeback. -Jim “The Dude” Silverworth Precious lord, please give me another precious day to enjoy every precious moment with my precious wife. -Mr. Smith Please give me the strength to go one more day without killing my idiot husband. -Mrs. Smith Can we get a move-on with this rapture thing? I’m eagerly anticipating my reward for a lifetime of pandering. -Glenn Beck Terry Pratchett has Alzheimer’s, yet the Black-Eyed Peas are at the peak of their health. I demand an explanation. -Hyperion, noted atheist. I had a prayer, but I've forgotten it. Can I have an extension of a few days to come up with a new one? -Al Z. Hermann. May I have a flaming sword? You used to hand those things out like candy. -Michael M. Mason How much does the “deluxe” suite in heaven cost? -Warren Buffet Could you explain the whole "fossil record" conflict with your true and inviolable word? My son is asking questions. -Fran Frey More weed. -Jane “The Dudette” Silverworth Okay, what if I threw in world peace? Would that balance it out? I should get four inches for that. Work with me here, my girlfriend mocks me. -Jack Napoleon Jones Getting hit by lightning was funny the first three times. Now it’s getting a little tiresome. -Alice “Black Cat” Marks We need a new set of mythological creatures. You should make an animal with the body of an elephant, the wings of an eagle, the head of a tiger, and the self-serving nature of a human. -C.C Griffin The record label expects me to finish the new album in a week, but I cannot find a rhyme for orange. Show me the way. -Rhyme King I want my dignity back. -Countless individuals Ex-wife. Herpes. Make it happen. -Alan Bates Stay the course. Keep up the fires, the famines, the plagues, and the warfare. I love every minute of it. Every night I go to bed to the sound of my mixtape of human screams. -Miss. Anne Trophy …Amen.

By Hyperion

Dear Most Beneficient One,

I shall skip the formalities, and stick to the barest greeting: all hail the lord of light who watches over us with a soothing eye and cozy iron fist. May the nonbelievers reach for his forgiving hand before it crushes them.

There. On to business.

This month, we experienced an abnormally high rate of desperate and/or self-centered prayers from Earth-303. Referring to it as a wretched hive of scum and villainy would be generous, but evidently a high number of faithful individuals remain. Though these monkeys are your favorite playthings and prime test subjects for new miseries, I’m forwarding the prayers on the off chance that you’re in a good mood.

Personally, I recommend we get the apocalypse going and wash our hands of the whole thing.

Sincerely,
Azalien, Vice-Archangel of Prayer Response

P.S: A formal statement on which faction contains you “chosen people” is long overdue.

Dear God…

Oh holy father, this is my hour of direst need. My son’s recital is in an hour, and I cannot find my car keys. Guide me to the holy key to the gates of my Honda Civic.
-Pastor Milton

Another three inches is all I ask. Hell, I’d be satisfied with two. One’s as low as I go.
-Jack Napoleon Jones

I just found out about this Kurt Cobain guy. Pretty sweet stuff. You should totally let him make a comeback.
-Jim “The Dude” Silverworth

Precious lord, please give me another precious day to enjoy every precious moment with my precious wife.
-Mr. Smith

Please give me the strength to go one more day without killing my idiot husband.
-Mrs. Smith

Can we get a move-on with this rapture thing? I’m eagerly anticipating my reward for a lifetime of pandering.
-Glenn Beck

Terry Pratchett has Alzheimer’s, yet the Black-Eyed Peas are at the peak of their health. I demand an explanation.
-Hyperion, noted atheist.

I had a prayer, but I've forgotten it. Can I have an extension of a few days to come up with a new one?
-Al Z. Hermann.

May I have a flaming sword? You used to hand those things out like candy.
-Michael M. Mason

How much does the “deluxe” suite in heaven cost?
-Warren Buffet

Could you explain the whole "fossil record" conflict with your true and inviolable word? My son is asking questions.
-Fran Frey

More weed.
-Jane “The Dudette” Silverworth

Okay, what if I threw in world peace? Would that balance it out? I should get four inches for that. Work with me here, my girlfriend mocks me.
-Jack Napoleon Jones

Getting hit by lightning was funny the first three times. Now it’s getting a little tiresome.
-Alice “Black Cat” Marks

We need a new set of mythological creatures. You should make an animal with the body of an elephant, the wings of an eagle, the head of a tiger, and the self-serving nature of a human.
-C.C Griffin

The record label expects me to finish the new album in a week, but I cannot find a rhyme for orange. Show me the way.
-Rhyme King

I want my dignity back.
-Countless individuals

Ex-wife. Herpes. Make it happen.
-Alan Bates

Stay the course. Keep up the fires, the famines, the plagues, and the warfare. I love every minute of it. Every night I go to bed to the sound of my mixtape of human screams.
-Miss. Anne Trophy

…Amen.

Updates about weekly. Send mail to contact@mwt-studios.com

Copyright 2008-2009 mwt-studios.com

No content present on this page may be published or reproduced without the consent of the author(s).