Jane Eyre is considered by innumerable readers to be a timeless icon of English literature. I am not one of those readers.

I believe that Jane Eyre is garbage that has had the fortune to dodge the great trash compactor of time. There are a number of reasons I hold this opinion. The characters are flat and one-dimensional devices for Jane’s personal fairy tale. The events of the narrative are simultaneously incredibly dull and outlandish beyond the readers suspension of disbelief. And, lest we forget, the walking racist caricature that is Bertha Mason.

But one failure overshadows all of this.

The eponymous lead character, Jane, is the prototype of the reviled modern Mary Sue archetype. Ludicrous amounts of text are wasted establishing what a unique, misunderstood wunderkind Jane is, in a world that hates her for not being one of the popular pretty girls. The faux-autobiographical structure frequently devolves into a vehicle for the self-insert’s whining about the cruelties of fate. Then, of course, she gets her fairy tale ending of love, freedom, riches, and a unicorn.

I despise this so-called classic, and I’m sure I’m not alone. English students across the world are subjected to this dreck daily. So, in the public interest (and my own personal spite), I’ve decided to make reading Jane Eyre fun. I present to you, fair reader, the Jane Eyre drinking game:

Take a shot when:

• Jane devolves into Bronte’s mouthpiece.
  
• A character only exists to oppress Jane.
  
• Realism is shattered by an outlandish plot twist.
  
• Something spoooooooooooky and mysterious occurs at Gateshead.
  
• Jane whines for more than one paragraph.
  
• Jane hallucinates sees visions of Rochester, draws Rochester, or melodramatically describes his features.
  
• Jane spends over a paragraph pining for freedom.
  
• Jane spends over a paragraph pinning for love.
  
• You spend over a page pining for Jane to be silent.
  
• The novel contradicts its own feminist message.
  
• A horrid romance novel trope is pioneered.
• A character more interesting than Jane dies.
  
• A page would fit in perfectly on fanfiction.net.
  
• Jane should seek relationship counseling.
  
• A racist caricature revealed to be the wife of the main love interest burns his house down, blinds him, and commits convenient suicide after being locked in his attic for years.

Note: Taking this game literally will invariably end in alcohol poisoning. In the event that this occurs, please sue Charlotte Bronte’s descendants.