Stalker's toolkit

Following someone during every waking moment can be tough. Guard dogs, husbands, barbed wire, home security systems, and the hectic pace of everyday life always seem to get in the way. The temptation to give up and pursue so-called "healthy" relationships is sometimes overwhelming.

But you're not alone. Hypercorp understands that love is stronger than any restraining order. To help you watch your target while he sleeps, our Hypercorp product acquisition team has stolen a revolutionary new product from our competitors: the Stalker's toolkit.

This invaluable product has everything the modern stalker needs to maintain his lifestyle, and more. No stalker should leave his target's home without the skeleton key, night-lens camera, grappling hook, binoculars, and tranquilizer darts contained in this handy package.

Basic: $25
Deluxe: $30
Chloroform edition: $50

Dull Conversationalist's Guide to the Recession

Do you love to talk, but have nothing of actual merit to say? Would you like to make pseudo-insightful observations in conversations with friends far more intelligent than you? Or are you simply a real-life troll that seeks to make daily conversation as irritating and repetitious as humanely possible? Then you need our two week seminar more than you need life itself.

In 2009, only one skill is necessary to drag down every discussion: constant references to the economy. The Dull Conversationalist's Guide gives professional-grade training in being an insufferable bore. It teaches the subtle nuances of introducing key expressions like "not in this economy", "Wall Street fat cats", and the always-hilarious "where's my bailout".

Pretending to understand economics has never been simpler.

Basic: Dignity
Imbecile edition: Respect of peers
Insufferable edition: $11

Preserved heart of Anne Coulter

Ms. Coulter's status as a leading practitioner of the black arts is indisputable. Like all great necromancers, she eventually achieved lichdom by ripping out her heart with her bare hands and replacing it with a chunk of obsidian. She wrote her first book soon afterwards.

Using the stalker's toolkit, the bravest interns of our Hypercorp product acquisition team have stolen this conservative conjurer's still-beating heart from her estate in Darkspire, NY. Only one returned alive.

Basic: $100, Eye of Newt
With Necronomicon: $200