Two days ago, a valiant soldier did the impossible: rekindle my faith in the United States. A noble figure sacrificed itself for the sake of civility and honor in American discourse. A nameless martyr went above and beyond the call of duty, and deserves to be honored.

That martyr is Glenn Beck’s appendix.

By causing that walking load of political smegma great pain, Glenn Beck’s appendix has brought a smile to my face and a song to my heart. By almost killing off the man that shat all over stand-up comedy with the Common Sense Comedy tour, it has brought new meaning to self-sacrifice. It may not have gotten rid of the blowhard permanently, but it came close. And that’s all that matters.

Godspeed, inflamed appendix. You will always be in our hearts. At least until something more interesting happens.

Never Forget.