The following is a log of Saturday, the second day of the convention. How are madness, burger prices, and man-children dressed like ninjas related? Read on to find out.

Day 1: I’ve arrived on the second morning of the convention. I’m accompanied by my loyal friend and assistant, who shall be referred to by his real name of Brendan since he refuses to respond to Short Round. He shall serve as my lazy and easily distracted photographer.

Day 2: Despite arriving far too early, we’ve still been preceded by a line of cosplayers as long as the Great Wall.

Day 3: Overheard whilst awaiting entry: “There are three things you’ll learn at Connecticon. Cold Pizza: breakfast of champions. Showering: only effective for 30 minutes before the heat makes you feel gross again. Sleep deprivation: mandatory.

Day 4: A misunderstanding between Brendan and the registrars has led to free tickets. I’m perfectly satisfied with this: the only thing better than a scam is a scam you didn’t even intend to execute.

Day 5:

Bighead meets Rorscharch. It ends about how you’d expect.

Day 6:

One of these people shouldn’t be bare-chested. Can you guess who?

Day 7: Observing the strange fauna around me. Questioning the mental stability of full grown men and women.

Day 8:

The Empire is not amused by your plastic blades.

Day 9:

Sometimes, a picture speaks for itself.

Day 10:

Nine people united by their love of schoolgirl uniforms designed for the colorblind.

Day 11: I’ve grown tired of picking apart the hard work of cosplayers for the moment. Killing time with Magic: the Gathering games with Brendan. This will be the least nerdy thing I do all day.

Day 12: I’ll admit: for every 18 ill-concieved ninja midriffs, there’s one girl who turns heads.

Day 13:

Fascinating: a sense of humor in a sea of unwarranted self-importance.

Day 14: Brendan’s gone. They’ve gotten him. I need to flee the main floor before the hive gets me too.

Day 15: I’ve entered the dealer’s room. Think of a sci-fi bazaar with more webcomic artists and mountain dew.

Day 16: Product placement sensory overload. Need air.

Day 17: Schedule obtained. Time to get serious about wasting time.

Day 18: Brian Clevinger detected in schedule. Entering fanboy mode. Temporarily disengaging logic.

Day 20: The Atomic Robo (a comic you should be reading if you have a marginal appreciation for images and words) panel is preceded by an interesting segment about crafting compelling heroes and villains. Ironically, the speaker is the creator of Dominic “Marty Stu” Deegan, but his points were valid enough.

Day 21: What’s the difference between Clevinger and Zeus? Zeus doesn’t have a publishing contract.

Day 30: Exiting fanboy mode. Reentering the dark reality of the anime convention.

Day 31: The forest of lies seems darker without a comrade. I should have brought a weapon. Maybe two.

Day 33: Cosplayers…cosplayers everywhere…

Day 34: Three comments on my Sinestro Corps t-shirt. For a moment I am among friends. This too will pass.

Day 35: Running low on water and patience. Death is near.

Day 40: Thereisnomadnessthereisonlyblood Thereisnomadnessthereisonlyblood Thereisnomadnessthereisonlyblood Thereisnomadnessthereisonlyblood

Day 41: In a moment of lucidity, I’ve entered the main bazaar. There are pale imitations of Japanese culture as far as the eye can see. At one of the many fascinating kiosks, I purchase a wooden blade. Self-defense is paramount in the forest.

Day 42: Readjusting to environs.

Day 43: Boredom. Time for shiny gaming comfort.

Day 44: Evidently I must hand in my bag before entering the video gaming area. I suppose they don’t want me bringing an EMP grenade or outmoded gameshark into their sacrosanct gaming zone.

Day 45: Crushed three teenage boys in Super Smash Bros.

Day 46: Crushed adult male in Soul Caliber IV.

Day 47: Crushed what was either a man dressed as a woman or a woman dressed as a man in Dance Dance Revolution.

Day 48: Ascend to godhood. Metaphorically.

Day 49: Why am I here again?

Day 50: Nature calls. Time to consume unholy fast food.

Day 51: Any man that looks you in the eyes and tells you a flash-freezed cheeseburger costs six dollars should be executed on the spot and buried in a shallow grave.

Day 52: Here’s something oddly admirable: a manga vendor has a tall shelf labeled “Yaoi” in bold print. This, ironically, takes balls. It takes an individual with the confidence of the gods to go to a public event and declare to the world: “I am a purveyor of hand-drawn gay pornography, and proud of it”. Godspeed, yaoi vendor. Godspeed.

Day 53:I’ve reached the point where I’m more surprised when there isn’t an acne-covered male version of a pink-haired ninja in sight.

Day 54: On my left, there is a full team of blue Team Fortress 2 cosplayers. On my right, are their red counterparts. Where’s the blood?

Day 55: I’ve entered “Convention Survival Skills” on a whim. Should be interesting, or at least marginally educational.

Day 56: I need to stop making positive assumptions.

Day 57: The panel seems to be hosted by Captain Obvious and his sidekick Blatant Lass.

Day 58: Gee wiz, before this panel’s amazing advice on saving money, I never would have guessed that there’s a difference between things I need and want.

Day 59: The two presenters want to be funny. They need to be silent.

Day 63: Oh ye gods, they’re still talking.

Day 70: Losing…will…to live…

Day 71: Wait, this has to be a trap! I’ve got to pull myself together and escape.

Day 72: I must rise…I must find a way…

Day 75: I’ve made it out of Stygia’s panel. Unfortunately, I left many other men behind in purgatory. Good thing I stopped feeling empathy in the 1990’s.

Day 76: Evidently my friend is still among the living. Good to know.

Day 77:

A wide shot of Bleach’s astoundingly generic character roster.

Day 78:

The avatar of my childhood makes an appearance.

Day 79: In case my past rambling about Warhammer 40k hasn’t made it clear, I’m a big tabletop gaming fan. I’m also lazier than a dead sloth. So the panel “Running on Improv” (ie: making shit up on the fly) appeals to me.

Day 80: The panel went well enough. There was some informative, if obvious, advice on forethought and railroading.

Day 81: Upon emerging from the panel, I find a line of teenage cosplayers screeching for no reason. I’ve grown to accept it at this point.

Day 82: Art Fight. If all the panels were this amusing, the convention would consume the state. Two artists compete to out-ridiculous each other on a single white board, taking audience suggestions along the way. This is accompanied with sarcastic, sporting-event style commentary. All the talent of a normal artistic dick-waving competition, with none of the pretention. The event travels, so catch it if you can.

Day 83: Ah, watching a middle-aged man pose like Altair from Assassin’s Creed. Priceless.

Day 84: Found the latest volume of The Boys. An hour disappears.

Day 90: Food.

Day 91: Looking For Group question/answer panel. A cross-dressing male walks in after me, prompting Sohmer (the comic’s writer) to politely inquire “Who the hell is this?”. He promptly receives the reply “Your best dreams come true honey”. Note to self: transgender individuals are awesome.

Day 92: The panel is interrupted when a jackass in a grey shirt walks in and interrupts everything by shouting “Guy in grey shirt is looking for Billy Mays. Has anyone seen Billy Mays?”. He repeats this three times, waiting for it to become funny. It never does. After his awkward exit, Sohmer comments “Can you imagine trying that hard not to get laid? Did any girl see him walk into the room and think ‘Wow.’?”.

Day 93: Interruptions, aside, this was definitely one of the better panels. In addition, the webcomic Looking For Group comes highly recommended.

Day 94: Ranting and raving.

Day 95: There’s a steampunk panel. I’ve spent far too many hours of my life playing Bioshock to ignore this.

Day 96: I’ve encountered Britney, Brendan’s comrade and Ben “Lazyass” Herman’s girlfriend. Unfortunately, she comes attached to a crowd of annoying tagalongs that use the term otaku without a hint of irony.

Day 97: Here’s a tip: “The cake is a lie” stopped being funny about an hour after Portal’s release.

Day 98: Invited to rave. This can only end in tears. Of laughter.

Day 99: The cantina. A wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Day 100: Take the mental image of a rave burned into your small brains by Hollywood. Now replace the ecstasy and glow sticks with cat ears and depressing glow sword fights.

Day 101: Saturday is technically over. Ending log.