A question, fair reader: how much damage can one young misanthrope cause at an anime convention, armed only with a notebook, pen, and a crooked smile? I set out to answer this question, with my second venture into Connecticon.

In the first part of our experiment, I conducted a few interviews. One might assume that I'd focus on the minor celebrities fanboy herds traveled to worship. This theoretical individual is incorrect, and should be executed for his impertinence. I decided to interview the common man: the sweaty men and women that make these conventions what they are.

Mobster with black foam buster sword.

What better way to begin than with the hallmark of these conventions: the cosplayer? I couldn't figure out for the life of me what series had a 1920's gangster with a buster sword, so I chose this confused-looking fellow.

Hyperion: Excuse me. I write for an independent media site, and I’m interviewing cosplayers. Would you mind answering a few questions?

Mobster: ‘Kay.

H: What are you cosplaying as?

M: Nothing. It’s my own character.

H: Do you write?

M: Yeah, I roleplay.

H: So no then. Do you play DnD? Exalted?

M: Online role play.

H: Don’t you lose the personal connection that actually makes the game fun?

M: [It] lets you think on your feet, and is more descriptive. [You’re] not restricted to the rules.

H: That’s interesting. Some would say the system’s half the point. The thing that keeps it from being Mary Sue masturbatory crap. Thoughts?

*Long pause.

M: I would disagree. I guess. I’m tired.

H: Thanks. That’ll be all.

Free hug girl

At many conventions, there's a very depressing phenomenon of teenage boys and girls starved of physical human contact standing around with "Free hugs" signs (some emotionally stunted older individuals engage in this as well). The only people sadder than those advertising this service are those indulging in it.

Free hug girl: Free hugs!

Hyperion: No thanks, really. I’m writing an article for a website, want to answer a few questions?

F: No problem.

H: I’m curious about the whole “free hugs” concept? Why do it?

F: I like hugs.

H: Go on.

F: I just like hugs.

H: Right. Aren’t you worried about harassment?

F: No.

H: Or people getting the wrong idea?

F: Sorta? I think?

H: Does that seem wise?

F: I don’t worry. Everyone here is nice.

*At this point, there was an extended silence as I restrained myself from slapping the idiocy off of her face.

H: Interesting outlook. I just got out of a panel on getting rid of convention stalkers. How does this fit into your worldview?

F: Dunno.

H: That’ll be all. Thanks.

Jesus cosplayer with “Embrace Jesus” sign

H: When did you come up with this idea?

J: Someone mentioned the idea online. Thought it was pretty cool.

H: Ah, original thinker then. Are you going for humor? Or is the pun more of a ‘free hugs’ thing?

J: Mostly humor, hugs secondary. I mostly wanted the “Embrace Jesus” pun.

H: Gotten any angry fundies?

J: Some stern looks, nothing big.

H: Alright, tell me if you find a cosplay Pope.

J: Cool idea.

H: Of course. I’m brilliant.

Furry Parade Promoter

In life, their are certain opportunities you just don't pass up. For a humorist, a man dressed up as a fox while gathering other deviants to march around an anime convention is one of them.

Hyperion: What, pray tell, is a furry parade?

Furry parade promoter: A parade with furries.

H: What’s a furry?

F: A general animal lover, anthro fan, or someone that just likes to cosplay their wild side.

H: Oh. For a second I thought it was some twisted quasi-bestiality sex thing. Cool. So why march?

F: The parade shows furry pride, solidarity.

H: Wouldn’t “furry stampede” be more appropriate?

F: Hey…actually that’s a good idea. But we’re kind of attached to the name now.

H: Good, because “furry stampede” is my intellectual property. I’d sue you for all you’re worth. So, why do you need to show unity?

F: We face a bit of bigotry.

H: Ah discrimination. So you can’t get married?

F: We can. They’d stop us if they could.

H: You were segregated?

F: Uh, no.

H: Paid less? Couldn’t’ vote?

F: Nothing like that. We get a lot of hurtful words.

H: Hurtful words. I heard something on the net…is “yiff in hell furfags” hurtful?

F: Yeah.

*For the record, I don’t hate furries. I just hate stupid people.