During the summer of 2009, a disease spread throughout the United States. The virus was not a swine-born pathogen, as every paranoid citizen and news outlet expected. Rather, it was a sonic virus. An plague of overproduction and auto-tune quickly became inescapable, with carriers spreading intellectual death at every dance club and radio station. The Bio-terrorists responsible for this musical genocide go by a simple name: The Black Eyed Peas.

In case you can’t tell, I’m not a fan.

In response to the irritation I suffer every time someone turns up their car radio, I’ve produced a line-for-line response to one of the worst things to happen to popular music since John Lennon bit the bullet. If you’re tired of auto-tune replacing talent, you should enjoy this.

Gotta get on with the goddamn song.

Though it’s a blatant digital effect, I like to imagine that the vocalist simply has a stuttering problem.

I ‘m sure that by the end of this I’m never going to want to hear the word “boom” again.

Good Evening?

After twelve weeks at number one I’ll give you that. You herd the sheep well.

Does anyone else remember when "rock and roll" referred to an actual genre instead of vague notions of partying and wasted youth? When a b-grade electro-hop group starts touting their skill at rocking out, we’ve hit a sad area indeed.

All hail Will I. Am, chronomancer!

Eew.

What in the nine hells is “that boom boom boom”, and why is it worth raping my ears at every party?

Is that supposed to mean something?

Oh hell.

When I first heard this lyric, I assumed it was “Them chicks be jackin’ my style”. While the grammar in that sentence would make an elementary school teacher kill himself, it would be a decent filler lyric. But every online source defines the actual lyric as “them chickens”, which is that unique breed of retarded and hilarious usually reserved for Flash Gordon remakes. I laud Fergie’s subconscious comedic brilliance.

Because every girl dreams of dressing like a Star Trek reject.

Really? Is that the rhyme you’re going for? Even goddamn Soulja Boy hasn’t sunk that low.

Are you getting the boom boom boom now, or do you have the boom boom boom from the future? It’s important to keep accurate records when discussing one’s boom boom boom.

Do you have ANYTHING different to say?

That doesn’t count.

I’ll take that as a no.

On some level, I can respect an adult that wakes up one fateful morning and decides he wants to be called “Taboo”.

Of course. Because of all that sound in space.

I’ll presume he’s referring to rage.

Sort of like this song.

Will you people have a seizure if you go thirty seconds without saying boom?

Congratulations sir. You have the most idiotic name in a group called The Black Eyed Peas. You are king of Idiot Mountain. Take a bow.

A quadruple entendre, that’s different. I wonder, do stacked double entendres progress linearly or exponentially?

Not even trying any more, are you Optimus?

Is it a good idea to remind me of better music?

Are you allowed to follow a Transformers reference with a boast about your sex appeal?

I’ll give him this. Their beats do remind me of a physical blow bouncing off my person over and over again.

Odd, he references causing an 808, but the only thing that's disturbed is my peace of mind.

I don’t want to get down. I think I’ll abstain.

Is he asleep? I wouldn’t be surprised.

You could at least make a salutary effort to rap.

I think I finally understand the popularity of this song. They lyrics dedicate so much time trying to convince the listener they’re enjoying good hip-hop that the actual content of the song is forgotten. The listener is either fooled or filled with pity. It’s like a desperate salesman.

Ah yes, radio. That platform that’s so very relevant in the information age. Forget my earlier comments, you must really have that future flow.

No leprechauns were harmed in the production of this drek.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I believe this proves at least one member of this group is screwing with us. This crap was inescapable for twelve weeks, the hope that a little intentional trolling was involved is the only thing keeping my faith in humanity together.

Alliteration must have replaced rhyme in the hip-hop community while I wasn’t looking.

If you stopped talking for a minute, maybe it could.

Did we really need to resurrect the “them chickens” lyric? Is that your musical silver bullet? Is there some hidden depth of meaning I’m missing that makes that anything but the dumbest lyric since “Break stuff”?

Unless my conception of music history is completely off, I’m pretty sure Fergie wasn’t the first plastic hooker to use auto-tune.

That line’s even more painful the second time around. Can I listen to the Transformer rap again?

I think, from this point onward, the word “boom” will serve as a kill-trigger for me.

Disregard that. I KNOW boom is my kill trigger.

And that’s the end of the song the American hivemind decided was the best thing since paranoid nationalism sliced bread. Sometimes, you people turn misanthropy into a form of common sense.

Post Song Word Count:
Beat: 20
Rock: 11
Boom: 101
Leprechaun: 1
Chickens: 2