I wrote this for The Princeton Tiger. Unfortunately, they felt it needed a joke about Bob Saget's balls. The unedited version follows.

Human civilization is on the brink of collapse. Consider the innumerable problems of the modern world. War. Famine. Poverty. The continued popularity of the Black Eyed Peas.

All of these problems have a single, elegant solution.

That solution is the mass cloning and release of saber-toothed tigers.

Some reactionaries might claim that this progressive measure is “inhuman”, “idiotic”, and “mind bogglingly cruel”. I encourage these critics to put aside their self-righteousness, and look at the facts. Nine out of ten fictitious experts agree that a return to the natural struggle of man versus tiger would lead to a higher of quality of life (for the survivors). Further hesitation to release scores of saber-toothed tigers in all major cities would simply be the height of selfishness.

Sometimes, mad science is the best kind of science. Consider the impact of saber-tooth cloning on all the following:

Economics

Unemployment would plummet more quickly than our current stock values. Not only would old positions be opened up by natural selection, but an entirely new industry of tiger-hunters would be created by free-market demand (to live).

The entertainment industry wouldn’t hesitate for a nanosecond to exploit the situation for profit. Most reality TV programming already cheapens human dignity, so why not human life as well? Who needs “America’s Funniest Home Videos” when you have “America’s Funniest Maulings”? The opportunity is too great to ignore.

War

Roving packs of prehistoric predators would force the governments of the world to reprioritize, to put things mildly. It’s difficult to maintain an intifada with eight-inch fangs tearing at your throat. The war on terror would swiftly be overshadowed by the war on nature. And we’d be better off for it.

Famine

Freely rampaging predators are the magic bullet we’ve awaited for solving the global food shortage. In the past, we’ve futilely attempted to adjust the food supply to meet the population. Now, we have a chance to adjust the population to meet the food supply.

Fitness

The obesity epidemic would become a thing of the past. While some of the more extreme cases will provide the Eocene Garfield’s dinner, the majority of citizens will find desperately fleeing packs of gargantuan predators to be an excellent source of cardio exercise. In addition, desperately grasping the jaws of the beast to prevent it from closing around one’s throat will provide a form of high-pressure strength training that the modern personal trainer can only dream of.

Our fanged friends wouldn’t only improve our physical fitness, but our mental alacrity as well. Let’s face the truth: despite the best efforts of our educational system, a large portion of our population lacks the common sense necessary to outwit a dung beetle. The cloning program would change this. Intelligence is the only advantage man has against a four-hundred pound mass of fur, claws, and rage. It’s time to thin the herd.

The mental benefits don’t end at culling idiocy. Suicide rates would plummet as well. Constant fear of being ripped to shreds serves as a fine reminder of just how much one wants to live.

The Black Eyed Peas

If hulking prehistoric jungle cats can’t end this musical plague, nothing can.