Blackgate Penitentiary is Arkham Asylum's less famous cousin: the prison where all of Gotham's normal crooks and Batman's non-insane antagonists go.

But here comes the inevitable question: why put it ahead of the iconic Arkham? Well, several reasons.

In Arkham, they aren't exactly going to let a patient population containing The Joker and Killer Croc mingle. The isolation of the asylum layout is its saving grace. But in Blackgate, theres a perfectly good chance youll get this man as a cellmate:

This is Bane. The man who broke Batman's back. And you're the most effeminate thing in the cell.

Besides, breaking out of Arkham in a week is par for the course at this point.

And if you think prison violence is bad in standard prisons, try to imagine avoiding getting shivved by super-assassins like David Cain or Deadshot (hint: it doesnt end well).

Yet another substitute for the obvious.

I'm sure at least eighty percent of you came into this article expecting to see Gotham City mentioned at some point. But as horrific as it is to have the Joker live down the street, life in Gothams neighbor city somehow finds a way to be even more miserable. Its hard to tell whether Bludhaven was a worse place before or after it got nuked.

Bludhaven was introduced as the poorer, more corrupt sister city to Gotham. It is a worse version of a city where it took a billionaire-genius-ninja dressed like a giant bat to restore basic social order.

Just when things began to (marginally) turn around under the semi-watchful eye of Batmans endless supporting cast, the city had the misfortune to get nuked during Infinite Crisis, one of DCs regular crossover cash-grabs. To make matters worse, the city degenerated into complete anarchy after the incident, making Bludhaven slightly more lawless.

Genosha has a proud tradition of being Marvels most thinly-veiled political allegory.

It entered the Marvel universe as a "subtle" allegory for the horrors of slavery. Since it was an X-men comic, subtle meant having a brainwashed mutant slave army to serve the maniacal human overlords. Of course, the X-men come in and make complex issues better with explosions.

The peace couldn't last of course, since all fictional countries in Marvel exist so that writers can turn them inside out without being flooded with nationalist hate-mail.

Later on, for reasons that make sense in a world without PATTERN RECOGNITION, the United Nations cedes control of Genosha to Magneto so he can create a mutant homeland. Yes, Magneto. Quadruple digit body count, kill-all-humans mutant super-terrorist Magneto. This was clearly going to be the bloodiest thinly-veiled allegory for Israel yet.

The Face of Trust

Naturally, the mutant-hating human sector of the population wasnt happy with the new leadership, leading to a violent civil war (granted, thats the only type of civil war). Magneto won due to the slight tactical advantage of half the population being capable of shooting lasers from their eyes.

Unfortunately, even after getting Hitler for a president and ending historys most one-sided civil war, the residents of Genosha couldnt catch a break. The population was brutally decimated by a fleet of Sentinels. Oops.

On the plus side, I hear the resorts are wonderful.

Purgatory made real.

The Phantom Zone is an alternate dimension discovered by Jor-El, the father of Superman. Entering the Phantom Zone has the mild side-effect of turning you into an incorporeal wisp separated from time. With no possible escape. Oh: it's also full of ravenous phantoms enraged by the presence of intruders.

Seeing opportunity, Jor-El wasted no time in pitching the Phantom Zone as an alternative to the death penalty for Kryptonian criminals. Apparently its more humane to lock murderers in a hellish half-life for all eternity than to kill them. I suppose there was no Kryptonian Civil Liberties Union.

Then again, at least you get wonderful companions like Doomsday and General Zod (you would do well practice your kneeling).

There is nothing wrong with Apokolips. All denizens of Apokolips are fortunate to have the stone hand of Darkseid to guide their small, meaningless lives. All are ready to die for Darkseid at a moments notice.

Those who will not die for Darkseid are weak.

The enemies of Darkseid are small and irrelevant, and will soon be crushed. Reports of a Kryptonian regularly returning to thrash Darkseid are lies. Reports of a never ending war with the false gods of New Genesis have been greatly exaggerated. New Genesis, like all worlds, will soon either submit to Darkseid or be destroyed.

The scenery of Apokolips is beautiful. Cold steel and gargantuan pits of flame are ubiquitous, allowing all peons to be uplifted by the glory of Darkseids architectural genius, unimpeded by any natural flora.

Praise Darkseid.

Oh. Sweet. Lord.

In Marvel's New York City, you dont have the remotest chance of a stress free day, let alone survival. You simply cannot walk down the street to get a newspaper without getting dragged into the middle of a crossover superhero battle that makes Ragnarok look like a childrens scuffle in the playground.

The Morning commute, on a good day.

The consolidation of almost every single metahuman in the Marvel universe in one location makes the continued survival of Americas premier city astounding. Especially considering the number of times that New Yorks been held hostage, bombed, invaded, and served as a convenient landing zone for invincible planet-devouring entities.

Personally, I'd move to Boston.

2008