Right now, Febuary 14 is a celebration of love and a dead priest. In the interest of keeping the scales balanced, I’d like to offer an alternative holiday. A day dedicated to the noblest of emotions: anger.
Angry Day is dedicated to the irritation you feel when you hit a red light, the fury you feel when you read a newspaper, and the rage you feel when you think of your deadbeat ex-husband. It celebrates every kind of anger, and gives a chance to vent it before it explodes. I predict violent crimes either declining or climbing fifty percent after this event.
I’ve invented some new traditions for this banner day. Feel free to direct any ideas to my inbox and complaints to my ass.
Angry Day Greetings
“You’re using my air.”
“It should have been you.”
“Where the fuck is my money?”
“Kiss my entire ass.”
“I want a divorce.”
“God hates us all.”
Angry Day Games
Ranting and Raving: Exchange four minute rants with a handful of equally pissed-off friends on topics of your choice.
Why I Hate You: Give someone an itemized list of their flaws. The more detail, the better. Consider using a card.
Screaming Contest: Find out who has the best screech of rage. You can give one grand prize, or have separate categories for volume, length, and character.
More Drinking: If you haven’t passed out, keep going.
Angry Day Anthems
The list of potential Angry Day music is as long as the list of artists that have thrown empty beer bottles at shitty audiences. These are just suggestions to get you started.
-Nine Inch Nails’ The Downward Spiral.
-Anything Strapping Young Lad ever produced.
Angry Day Decorations
Like its fun-loving cousin Valentine’s Day, Angry Day’s signature color is red. In this case, red is less for hearts and more for fire and blood.
Dartboards with pictures of your enemies are not only acceptable, but fashionable.
Angry Day Merchandising
Hit anyone that tries to sell you Angry Day products with a bat. Even it’s me. In fact, especially if it’s me.