Fuck The Smurfs

It’s hard to truly hate anything. I hate the Smurfs.

I don’t just mean the film currently vomiting into the eyes and ears of the American public. I hate the concept. I hated the cartoon. I hate the sound of the word Smurf, and it’s substitution for everything from eating paint to inbreeding. I usually complain about Hollywood pillaging my childhood, but this is a case of a piece of shit being updated to a piece of shit in 3D.

I originally planned on reviewing the movie. But if you need to be told not to see it, there’s already no hope for you and your hideous children. For the rest of you, here’s a breakdown of each Smurf, and why they deserve to be eaten.

Papa Smurf

Big Brother Smurf

Our commune leader. Papa Smurf dispenses clichéd wisdom to his village of blue slaves. Somehow, his advice never includes moving away from the psychotic wizard.

Grandpa Smurf

Arthritis Smurf

A Smurf with a foot in the grave. Tragically, he never received sweet release from a world with only one noun.

Brainy Smurf

Strawman Smurf

Oh look, an anti-intellectual caricature. Brainy Smurf’s role in life is to be wrong. He was often thrown out of the village in what I can only assume is the G-rated Smurf equivalent of the Khmer Rouge.

Jokey Smurf

I fucking hate the Smurfs so fucking much.

Made practical jokes so terrible the script almost seemed funny by comparison. Almost.

Clumsy Smurf

Down's Smurf.

A functionally retarded Smurf with an inner ear infection.

Handy/Chef/Painter/Poet/Farmer/Prostitute Smurf

Someday, I'll forgive the world for this.

There’s an entire category of Smurfs that only exists to perform a specific trade in the communist Smurf compound. If you think I’m breaking each of these interchangeable dwarfs down individually, you’re out of luck.

Lazy Smurf

Narcolepsy Smurf.

A smurf that skimmed through the Smurf Manifesto. He fails to understand the value of collective labor and must be punished.

Vanity Smurf

Effeminate Smurf.

A Smurf that doesn’t know he looks the same as every other fucking Smurf.

Dreamy Smurf


Guess. Just guess what Dreamy Smurf does. Use that noggin. I’m sure that a few thousand years of evolution has given you the tools to deduce the personality of Dreamy Smurf.

Scaredy Smurf

High Blood Pressure Smurf

A Smurf that reacts reasonably to being the size of my thumb.

Smurfette

Giggle Smurf.

A Smurf with a vagina.

Sassette

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

A younger Smurf with a vagina.

Addendum: It’s a bit suspect to only have three female characters out of two dozen, even for this franchise. It’s even more suspect when being female is their only discernable character trait.

Grouchy Smurf

I can relate.

The only Smurf as angry about his existence as I am.

Harmony Smurf

Auto-tune Smurf.

A musician chided for poor singing, which doesn’t make a lick of sense when your theme song sounds like this.

Smurflings

Diseased children.

Young Smurfs that went on adventures even shittier than their adult counterparts.

Hefty Smurf


A Smurf with a tragic steroid addiction.

Dabbler Smurf


I don’t remember what this one does, but I’m sure I hate him.

Sloppy Smurf

Biohazard Smurf.

What? Are you people even trying?

Baby Smurf

Is this what we've come to? The emptiest marketing ploys possible crammed down our throats without a second thought? Is this what we are as a people? Fuck it. I'm done with this planet. I'm headed to Mars.

Fuck this.

Marxist Smurf

Abomination.

Oh wait, that’s all of them.

Gargamel


An evil wizard that provides the layer of horrifying anti-semetic subtext that every children’s cartoon needs. Gargamel is the big-nosed enemy of the smurf collective, that wants to turn the smurf laborers into gold. Make of that what you will.

 

3 Comments on "Fuck The Smurfs"

  1. Fifi says:

    Vanity is a beautiful gorgeous hunk, you can’t appreciate true beauty.

  2. Lazarus says:

    Thank god iam not the only one who finds these blue balls pieces of shit annoying

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