It’s hard to truly hate anything. I hate the Smurfs.
I don’t just mean the film currently vomiting into the eyes and ears of the American public. I hate the concept. I hated the cartoon. I hate the sound of the word Smurf, and it’s substitution for everything from eating paint to inbreeding. I usually complain about Hollywood pillaging my childhood, but this is a case of a piece of shit being updated to a piece of shit in 3D.
I originally planned on reviewing the movie. But if you need to be told not to see it, there’s already no hope for you and your hideous children. For the rest of you, here’s a breakdown of each Smurf, and why they deserve to be eaten.
Our commune leader. Papa Smurf dispenses clichéd wisdom to his village of blue slaves. Somehow, his advice never includes moving away from the psychotic wizard.
A Smurf with a foot in the grave. Tragically, he never received sweet release from a world with only one noun.
Oh look, an anti-intellectual caricature. Brainy Smurf’s role in life is to be wrong. He was often thrown out of the village in what I can only assume is the G-rated Smurf equivalent of the Khmer Rouge.
Made practical jokes so terrible the script almost seemed funny by comparison. Almost.
A functionally retarded Smurf with an inner ear infection.
There’s an entire category of Smurfs that only exists to perform a specific trade in the communist Smurf compound. If you think I’m breaking each of these interchangeable dwarfs down individually, you’re out of luck.
A smurf that skimmed through the Smurf Manifesto. He fails to understand the value of collective labor and must be punished.
A Smurf that doesn’t know he looks the same as every other fucking Smurf.
Guess. Just guess what Dreamy Smurf does. Use that noggin. I’m sure that a few thousand years of evolution has given you the tools to deduce the personality of Dreamy Smurf.
A Smurf that reacts reasonably to being the size of my thumb.
A Smurf with a vagina.
A younger Smurf with a vagina.
Addendum: It’s a bit suspect to only have three female characters out of two dozen, even for this franchise. It’s even more suspect when being female is their only discernable character trait.
The only Smurf as angry about his existence as I am.
A musician chided for poor singing, which doesn’t make a lick of sense when your theme song sounds like this.
Young Smurfs that went on adventures even shittier than their adult counterparts.
A Smurf with a tragic steroid addiction.
I don’t remember what this one does, but I’m sure I hate him.
What? Are you people even trying?
Oh wait, that’s all of them.
An evil wizard that provides the layer of horrifying anti-semetic subtext that every children’s cartoon needs. Gargamel is the big-nosed enemy of the smurf collective, that wants to turn the smurf laborers into gold. Make of that what you will.