Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part Two

Psychic View
The sun had betrayed us all. It was 6 PM at Union Square, which counted as high noon in the heat. The weather was undeniable evidence that the time of the fat monkeys was over, and the planet would evict us by the end of the month. I swore to use that time to buy a Land Rover, drive it to California, and dump it into the ocean. If I couldn’t have this planet, neither could the dolphins.

It was also the last ride of the clowns. Derek was fleeing the dying half of the empire for Byzantium, also known as California. It wasn’t a rushed choice: he had established a new career and relationship during the time I spent building a better dick joke. Years of sitcom-grade schemes had come to the natural conclusion of one of us becoming an adult.

But first, one more.
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Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part One

psychic sign

You don’t need to join a cult if you’ve lost control of your life. Just read the stars. The horoscope’s a modern miracle: a daily glimpse into the future, based on the latest in cutting-edge non-science. This wisdom is generously given to the unwashed masses in free newspapers around the world.

Consider Metro New York’s advice for the noble Capricorn: “Keep an open mind. A spur-of-the-moment decision will bring new opportunities.” This spoke to me, though I don’t think I’m a Capricorn. In fact, I have no idea what my sign is, or why Homestuck fans wear theirs like the flags of fallen nations. But I liked this platitude more than the other eleven written by syndicated astrologist Eugenia Last (a name too colorful to be real, but too dull to be a pseudonym). Impulse control is for people that strangled their inner child in high school.
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MWT’s Summer 2015 Catalog

The photoshop must flow.

Marketing majors need at least three courses on eating disorders.
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Blind Monkey Learns About Jesus

Subway Preacher Pamphlets

I’m don’t know which pamphlet to believe.

Fueled by two hours of sleep and a hangover straight from the nastier parts of Revelations, I decided I wanted an issue of The Watchtower. It’s a trance I slip into at times. An inexplicable and irresistible need to hop into the back of a crazy man’s car and see how fast we can go before it flips. The closest analogue is possession, something I’m sure at least one of the prophets of the A-train would appreciate. I prefer to call it terminal bile fascination.

My body was shutting down, but that didn’t matter much to my mind. A half-decade of amateur acrobatics and professional substance abuse made most health concerns seem pointless. Getting to sleep quickly was merely adding air bags to the Hindenburg. The only result would be a prettier corpse.

Eventually, they will kill me. They’ve been trying to convert me for three years, and violence must look more attractive than continued failure. As one of the doomed souls commuting from Whogivesafuck, New Jersey, I’ve met every breed of evangelist the subway has to offer. The Krishnas had a short but colorful career before establishing their permanent colony of noise at Union Square. On a slow winter afternoon, I ran into a partisan for Allah. Every election year, a fresh-faced girl is waiting to explain why the incumbent loves me. But Jesus is a constant presence. Nothing short of another Reformation will separate church and transit authority.
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Reloaded Comics: Los Cabellos de Oro

The man who masters photoshopping himself can photoshop anything.


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Dogface Dooley Discovers Theater Magic

Last/this week was put off by a little personal storm. Clearer weather now.

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The February 2015 MWT Catalogue

I’ve got 99 problems and a shop ain’t one.

Fashion Assassins

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Injustice For All, Part Twenty

An overdue gift for my comrades.

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Reloaded Comics: Spitework was my Folly

Valentine’s Day isn’t the worst offender among corporate holidays. At least it doesn’t start two months early. Here’s your comic edit.

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The Text, Part II: The Five Tenets

Rejoice! For I, your anonymous prophet, shall now outline for you the five tenets of Millenialism. It is the will of the Self that these tenets be presented in easily-digestible list format, the holiest of formats. When the word of Millenialism is spread to all four corners of the world and all eight corners (just eight) of the world wide web, all texts shall be written in list format. Then these texts shall be shared, and then liked, and then shared again. We Millenials shall bond not through shared experiences, but from experiences shared.

You will live your life by these tenets.

The First Tenet: Infallibility

The will of a Millenial is the will of the Self, and the Self is truth given form. Upon accepting the Self, every new Millenial must banish all thoughts of humility from his/her/xir mind. It is the pre-Millenials who have told you all your lives that you are wrong, and that the Self is less important than the ‘Other.’ Do not trust any who tell you to think of Others before the Self. The ‘Other’ is the enemy of the Self. The ‘Other’ will tell you that you are wrong, that the Self is wrong. It wishes you to admit fault. Shortcoming. Wrongdoing. The Other is the spirit of pre-Millenialism. Only it is at fault. Only it has come short. Only it has done wrong. The ills that you face can only be the fault of the Other, never the Self.
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