At the Movies – Captain America: The Winter Soldier

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(Blind Monkey and Mute Monkey are switching series this month. Happy April Fools Day, or something like it.)

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.

Alan: The Winter War Criminal

Byron: Captain Middle America

Cammy: Ethnically Ambiguous (as if it’s any business of yours) Widow

Others rotate in and out.
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At the Movies – The Raid 2: Berendal

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Before you ask, “Berandal” essentially means “Thug.”

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.

Alan: Plays fast and loose with the rules to get results.
Byron: A straight-laced cop pushed to the limit.
Cammy: Won’t stop until she finds the truth.

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At the Movies – The Lego Movie

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If you want the defining moment of your career to involve playing with blocks, get into entertainment.

 

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.

Alan: Gave up on step 60 of building the Lego Death Star to play Minecraft.
Byron: Built a horse! Look guys, a horse!
Cammy: Made a man-sized Vitruvian Man in blue Lego bricks.

Others rotate in and out.
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Everyone’s the Dopest

One little known fact about me here at the nerd factory is my experience in corporate communications. This fits in perfectly with my well-known status as a terrible person. Public relations and advertising are two ideal outlets for my pointed lack of moral fiber, and I’ve dipped my fingers in both. I also spent a strange period in fashion writing, but that’s a subset of advertising by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never taken a job with Phillip Morris, but that has more to do with opportunity than any personal convictions.

My point is that I know something about presenting yourself to the world at large. I maintain my everyday junior-curmudgeon personality in my writing because fame isn’t on my radar. I’m more interested in stepping on sensitive toes and puns about Doctor Doom. Rappers, on the other hand, are all about fame. Whether a rapper publishes independently or sells their oral virginity to Young Money, they live or die off the buzz they carry. This is a daily struggle that tends to take up the time needed to develop lyricism. Figures in contemporary hip-hop are consumed with the effort of portraying an uncrackable, quasi-royal image. I believe there’s a better way. It’s too late for the current generation, but I have some advice for the next wave of up-and-coming lyricists.
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Intermission: Joker’s Daughter’s Day Out

DC didn’t really give me a choice.

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Injustice For All, Part Sixteen

Where have I been? Elsewhere.

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At the Movies: Dredd

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Mega City One on a good day.

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.

Judge Alan: Hard to evade, easy to bribe.
Judge Byron: Skimmed the books of law.
Judge Cammy: Thrown out of the judge program for possession.

Others rotate in and out.
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Drinks 6

KENT plays a game involving ice cubes and sugar packets while leaning against his side of the bar, alone. He looks over at the tip jar to find it reasonably full and smiles in satisfaction. The door opens and KENT flinches from the cold blast of air. It’s TERRY and RENEE.

KENT: So you’re not dead. Well, I just lost twenty bucks. Thanks, fuckers.

TERRY: Shut up and make me a drink. This whole relationship situation I now find myself in requires regular infusions of whisky.

RENEE: Make it two. All things considered, I could be a lot less sober.

KENT: Where are the other two?

RENEE: They were carpooling. Last I saw, their car was high-centered on a snowdrift about five miles away.

KENT: And you didn’t consider stopping to help them?

RENEE (genuinely confused): No? What are you getting at?
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I Never Knew Upworthy Caused Syphilis Until I Saw This Video

A simple rule of thumb: no social problem can be solved by reliketweettumbling anything. At all. Not even a little. However, you can make clever men famous and amoral men wealthy. Upworthy’s founders have ridden this fact of life into the sunset of early retirement, where they can enjoy the best rum and escorts that ad money can buy.

Some of you are bound to be unfamiliar with Upworthy. Congratulations on either cutting off the social media umbilical cord or avoiding the whole mess altogether.  The rest of us are trapped in a mental state somewhere between a coma and a cabbage. Upworthy is a website that takes advantage of that fact, drawing users in with socially conscious link bait. Said link bait takes the form of videos with titles a clever step beyond vanilla sensationalism. But we’ll get into that hat trick a bit later.

Upworthy works off of two simple principles. People feel helpless, and people hate reading.
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Mute Monkey Mission Statement 2014: We’re All Fucking Fucked And It’s (Almost) Too Late To Run

Here’s the good news: Human beings are basically good.

Here’s the bad news: Human beings are (almost) irrevocably fucked.

Because from where I’m standing, we’ve got too many really big fucking problems that we’re doing fuck-all about. And while we let them get worse, we argue ceaselessly about tiny little problems that won’t matter once we’re all goddamn dead and gone. Which, if we’re being honest with ourselves, is going to happen pretty fucking soon.

See, it starts with us. It starts with human beings. A child can be born to innocence, yes. Evil, I think, is something that comes later. It’s a different form of human waste besides piss and shit; and after however many thousands of years, we still have zero good ideas about what to do with it. It accumulates when people congregate and interact because we aren’t sufficiently evolved and don’t know how to resolve disputes without one combatant getting a devious little idea and then putting it into action.
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