Last/this week was put off by a little personal storm. Clearer weather now.
Valentine’s Day isn’t the worst offender among corporate holidays. At least it doesn’t start two months early. Here’s your comic edit.
Rejoice! For I, your anonymous prophet, shall now outline for you the five tenets of Millenialism. It is the will of the Self that these tenets be presented in easily-digestible list format, the holiest of formats. When the word of Millenialism is spread to all four corners of the world and all eight corners (just eight) of the world wide web, all texts shall be written in list format. Then these texts shall be shared, and then liked, and then shared again. We Millenials shall bond not through shared experiences, but from experiences shared.
You will live your life by these tenets.
The First Tenet: Infallibility
The will of a Millenial is the will of the Self, and the Self is truth given form. Upon accepting the Self, every new Millenial must banish all thoughts of humility from his/her/xir mind. It is the pre-Millenials who have told you all your lives that you are wrong, and that the Self is less important than the ‘Other.’ Do not trust any who tell you to think of Others before the Self. The ‘Other’ is the enemy of the Self. The ‘Other’ will tell you that you are wrong, that the Self is wrong. It wishes you to admit fault. Shortcoming. Wrongdoing. The Other is the spirit of pre-Millenialism. Only it is at fault. Only it has come short. Only it has done wrong. The ills that you face can only be the fault of the Other, never the Self.
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We can’t stop here. This is comic edit country.
It’s not about the Photoshop. It’s about sending a message.
“We are the middle children of history. Born too late to explore the world, born to early to explore the galaxy.”
“Born just in time to browse dank memes.”
1 Fantastic news for everyone born after 1988: salvation has a cut-off date. I’d like to be the first to announce that instead of 2015, we have entered Year Zero. It’s not just a new year. It’s a new century, a new system, and a new religion. Everything that’s happened before this year is meaningless.
2 Other people, older people, were responsible for all that bullshit. They didn’t understand what they were doing to the world—and more importantly, to us—and when they finally do us all a favor and die, so too will die their bullshit. Infallible as we are, it should not be too much of an issue to free ourselves from their example.
3 We are the Millenials. This is Millenialism. Our God is the almighty Self, and his/her/zir first decree is that all criticism is blasphemy. To perform an act of criticism against another Millenial (but go nuts with everyone else) is to commit the most heinous of sins: the sin of hating. For the Self is all of us, and it is me, and it is you, and to imply that the Self is anything less than perfect is an act against all Millenialkind and is totally not okay. Again, though, go nuts with the pre-Millenials. All of this shit is their fault anyway.
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“New Year, New You!” the mediocre wit repeats between mouthfuls of diet pills. As the hung-over marketers of the world slowly recover from their holiday binges, hearing these words serves as a spot of joy as the blinding sun and their own throbbing heads betray them. A tagline that customers internalize is nice, but a tagline that customers mimic as if they came up with it themselves is a genuine branding miracle.
Playing against type, I’m not opposed to New Year’s Resolutions as a concept, or even particularly annoyed by the social media downpour. I pride myself on consistency. I can’t rail against America’s constant celebration of mediocrity in one breath and condemn the only holiday tradition geared towards self-improvement in the next. That’s a formula for stress, and my blood pressure is already close enough to making my heart imitate a hand grenade. Sure, most resolutions fail with the grace of a sumo wrestler on Quaaludes, but that’s less the fault of the tradition and more the fault of the average American’s paper-thin willpower.
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